Nothing Says Romance Like 25% Off…
By Scott J Harlow | February 22, 2009
I recently received an intriguing email offer from the Luxor hotel and casino in Las Vegas. First off, I love the Luxor. It’s one of my three favorite Egyptian Pyramid themed resorts on the Vegas Strip. So I had to question their so-called “sexy” offer. For a city of glamor and glitz, it seems odd they couldn’t brainstorm a fourth item that was less, well, repulsive. Read the offer below, and let me know when it gets decidedly unsexy.
Because nothing says romance like a guy resembling Kathy Griffin on steroids.
Maybe the romance kit has props?
Topics: I Digress | No Comments »
Don’t Delay Digital TV, Deal With It
By Scott J Harlow | January 27, 2009
Earlier today the Senate unanimously passed a bill to delay the Feb. 17 changeover to Digital TV, delaying the deadline to June 12. Considering the average senator can’t get their VCR to stop blinking 12:00 let alone set up a digital converter box, perhaps we shouldn’t be so surprised.
Thankfully, this means you have an extra four months to transition your television from embarrassing to presentable. So, how do you prevent your set from turning into Dirty Sexy Static? Here are some likely scenarios on how you got into this mess and how you should proceed.
1. You’re too cheap to buy cable.
Cable can be expensive, and sure it’s probably a waste. 50 channels of stuff you don’t need, and those are just the VH1’s. But now you’re too cheap to buy a converter box? Here’s the thing, the government was giving you the money to buy it. Yes, they were nice enough to give your cheap ass 40 bucks just so you don’t miss a single episode of The Price is Right. With one of these government coupons you’ll have crystal clear reception faster than you can say, “One Dollar Bob.”
Unfortunately, the government has run out of money for these coupons. Yes they allotted $1.34 Billion to bring American TV technology to the level that Europe’s was in the 80’s. And here’s the kicker, we’re flat broke. Think you’re maxed out? We’re TRILLIONS of dollars in debt. So don’t complain about not having a coupon. That’s like passing a homeless guy and asking him for a buck. How about you save up for a month, buy a converter box, and god forbid help out the economy for a change.
You got yourself into this mess. If you’re late returning a movie to Blockbuster, guess what, they charge you. If you miss a credit card payment, AMEX doesn’t say, “Here’s another four months.” If you kid doesn’t do their homework you don’t have the School Board change their test date. No. You hit them. Because that’s good parenting.
2. You didn’t know the change was coming.
We’re all busy, I get it. You’ve got jobs to go to, kids to take care of, barley crops to sickle, whatever. Here’s the only problem with that, they’ve been talking about this digital transition for years. YEARS!
Congress mandated the change from analog to digital signals in 2005. You’ve had four years to research this. In the time you’ve had to prepare for this transition, Britney Spears got married and divorced, twice, had two children, entered rehab, left rehab, entered rehab again, shaved her head and beat an SUV with an umbrella, destroyed her career at the VMAs and released two successful comeback albums. Surely you can get your butt to Best Buy over the weekend.
3. I don’t use the television anymore
Great, so why are you still reading this article? Maybe you just like to read. I used to enjoy reading also, and then I turned six. Is reading still cool? Didn’t we invent tv and movies to replace that bullshit?
Or maybe you’ve just embraced new technologies? Today you can watch all your favorite shows on DVD or via the internet, video game consoles, and even cell phones. Television sets just aren’t that relevant anymore. Because watching doctors have sex with dead guys on Grey’s Anatomy isn’t as cringe inducing if it’s on a 2 by 4 inch cell phone screen.
Whatever your reason may be, it’s time. It’s time to transition to digital. And from a technology standpoint, it’s time to stop being the trailer park of the world. Or at least give us a chance to pass Canada.
My grandfather always used to say, “Procrastination is the thief of time.” Frankly, people don’t care about wasting time. What they do care about is missing American Idol. Call me crazy, but perhaps the only way to help these stragglers from losing their Dr. Phil is to actually take away Dr. Phil. And let’s not pretend that lack of tv is the worst thing in the world. No, that would be seeing Dr. Phil in HD. Scary.
Topics: Rants, Television | 2 Comments »
State of Scott: 2008 Year End Summation
By Scott J Harlow | January 5, 2009
A weird thing about New Year’s Eve is how everyone is always glad the year is over. “Oh, thank goodness 2008 is over.” It seems like 90% of the people had a bad year. Ok, maybe it wasn’t a great year, the economy tanked, people lost their jobs, and 401k now stands for the amount of money you’ve lost in your retirement plan. But hey, if it was all bad you would’ve killed yourself outside Paula Abdul’s house. So I say, focus on the good. Here’s some of my favorite personal moments of 2008:
On the very first night of 2008, January 1st, I spent an amazing three hours doing the Harbor Bridge Climb in Sydney Australia. If you’re not familiar, look it up and add it to your life’s to-do list. Basically they chain you up, give you all this gear and you walk over the bridge to the highest point. And I mean highest point! It’s an amazing view as you overlook the entire city harbor including the world-famous opera house. It was the perfect end to an amazing three weeks in Australia.
The adventure didn’t stop in Australia it seemed. A last minute getaway to Costa Rica seemed in order. It was the perfect distraction after a bizarre, lengthy, and ultimately unsuccessful round of auditions for a reality tv show. The highlight of the trip for me (and my friend Brian I believe) was the canyoning excursion near Arenal. Basically we repelled into waterfalls from crazy heights. It was the dry season, so it’s probably even better during the rainy season. But living in New York City doesn’t exactly satisfy my need for adventure. Unless you count walking home by myself from Queens Plaza in the middle of the night.
Writing and more writing. In 2008 I decided to get more serious about my writing. And by more serious, I mean actually doing it on a regular basis. For the most part, I’ve been able to stay motivated, but naturally when you work a ton of hours things get in the way. I took a writing class at NYU and it was instrumental in getting me back on track and keeping me motivated. Lately I’ve been writing exclusively for my standup act, but I plan on writing in various formats in 2009. Of all the things I’ve written in 2008, this piece on the Celebrities and the Presidential Nominees is my favorite.
Which brings me to my standup. It’s been on my mind for a long time that I was going to give standup comedy a try. In 2008, I finally took the next step and started writing and getting on stage. I made my standup debut (pictured) at Caroline’s in the fall after taking the Manhattan Comedy School course there over the summer. I’ve had a couple of successful shows and I’ve had some great fun performing so far. My comedy goals for 2009 aren’t lofty. My goals are to keep performing 1-2 times a week, continue to build material that I’m happy with, and have fun.
If you don’t know, I’m a big TV person. And writer’s strike and all, it’s been a GREAT tv year! Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin, brilliant. Lost’s 4th season, also brilliant. My 2nd favorite show, Boston Legal ended on an unbelievable high note (even if they didn’t bring back Lincoln Meyer), but thankfully I now have Chuck to fill that void. Chuck is a show that just keeps getting better and better, and it now joins Lost, 30 Rock, and How I Met Your Mother on my DVR list. But what made me laugh more than anything else in 2008 was Kathy Geiss (pictured). Whoever created this 30 Rock character, and whoever this actress is, they both deserve emmys. She doesn’t even speak and she has me rolling everytime!
Quite possibly the most fun I’ve had recently was Week 17 of the NFL. With their backs against the wall and the odds stacked against them, the Philadelphia Eagles make the playoffs. But it’s not that they simply made the playoffs, it’s HOW they made the playoffs. Tampa Bay loses a heartbreaker to Oakland? Crazy. And then the Eagles come out and humiliate the Cowboys. Amazing! I’m a big football fan, but that’s the most fun I’ve had watching the game in years. Here’s hoping for a Steegles Super Bowl in ‘09.
See, it’s so much better to focus on the good. And now, on to 2009. May it bring great things for all of us!
Topics: I Digress | No Comments »
Happy Holidays: Santa Tracker??!?
By Scott J Harlow | December 24, 2008
I have mixed feelings about going to msn.com and their so-called “santa tracker.”
How is it that we can track Santa’s every move but we can’t seem to find Osama Bin Laden? Sorry folks, not trying to be a scrooge here, but how about we put our “santa tracking” technology to use hunting down Al-Qaeda?
Topics: I Digress | No Comments »
New Yorkers I Hate: The Anti-Soccer Guy
By Scott J Harlow | December 11, 2008
Ever been in a sports bar that was showing a soccer game? I know, crazy thought, but after about 90 years of pressure the United States is starting to accept that soccer can be fun to watch. And before you disagree, please note I used the words “can be” and “bar” which really means “usually isn’t” and “helps if your drinking.”
I do enjoy watching soccer from time to time, so it really irks my turf when people start slamming soccer and the people who watch it. You know this guy, he’s usually wearing a Yankees or Red Sox hat, and yells something super scholarly like “Soccer Sucks!” Thanks dude. Why does this guy exist? I think I’ve figured him out.
New York has a lot of great sports teams. The Giants are the defending Super Bowl Champions, The Jets have Brett Favre, the Rangers have a passionate following, and even the New York Knicks used to be a professional basketball team (or so I’m told). But despite any success these franchises may champion, New York will always be a baseball-first town.
Before we get down to the hate, I must admit, I do not like Baseball. Growing up when I played sports in gym class, baseball was always the sport I was the worst at. I soon realized that I couldn’t possibly be the problem. No, the sport had to be flawed somehow. And so began my frosty relationship with America’s pastime.
That said, I respect baseball. I do not like it, but I get it. I understand how people can be passionate about it. I don’t trivialize its popularity. I may find baseball to be incredibly boring, just like ‘Anti-soccer Guy’ finds soccer nap-inducing, but I don’t disregard it as a sport. I don’t criticize people for liking it.
Let me tell you something ‘Anti-Soccer Guy,’ Soccer is by far and away the most popular sport in the world. So while you may think you’re in the soccer-slamming majority because you’re in New York, you couldn’t be more wrong. Now, if you hate the sport because you and the rest of America has always been terrible at it - that’s something I can get behind.
Topics: New Yorkers I Hate | No Comments »
Upcoming Projects
By Scott J Harlow | December 3, 2008
Just a quick update on some stuff I’ve been working on:
Site Design: Yeah I’m entering year 47 of my website design phase. Actually, the blog is fine it’s the front page of scottjharlow.com that is still blank. I’m currently getting a certificate in Web Development through NYU so I’m a little burnt out on this stuff. But it’s coming.
The 90’s: I started contributing to a blog/website called The 90’s.Net You should definitely check it out every so often, there’s some good stuff on there and much more to come. Because The 90’s were awesome. For reals.
NY’ers I Hate: This will be a new recurring feature on my blog. Hate may be a stong word, but it’s about New Yorkers I really dislike. Whether it be the asian lady who sells bootleg DVD’s out of a shopping bag or Eli Manning. Because admit it, you hate them too.
Music Video Theater: About five years ago I came up with an idea for a show that was sort of a cross between Pop Up Video and Mystery Science Theater 3000. Not the most original idea, but really it’s inspired by an old Wayne’s World sketch from 17 years ago. Anyway, I think I’ve found a way to make it work and I’ll begin taping in late December.
Episode 1? I’m thinking either “She Works Hard For The Money” or Amy Grant’s “Every Heartbeat.” Get excited!
Roxette Cover Band: Still nothing more than a dream I’m afraid. But I will keep dreaming. Believe it!
Topics: Announcements | No Comments »
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